Queer Cafe

APA: Avoiding Heterosexual Bias in Language
Words the LGBTQ Community Has Reclaimed (And Some We Haven't)

The Problem With "Hey Guys"

Guide to Using Gender Neutral Pronouns

Gender Neutral Pronouns: They're Here, Get Used to It

Slideshow: Respectful and Inclusive

US House of Reps Adopts Gender Neutral Language Rules

OFFENSIVE: "sexual preference"
PREFERRED: "sexual orientation"

The phrase "sexual preference" is generally used to suggest that being lesbian or gay is a choice and therefore "curable." The term "sexual orientation" is the accurate description of an individual's enduring physical, romantic, emotional and/or spiritual attraction to members of the same and/or opposite sex and is inclusive of lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and heterosexual men and women.

OFFENSIVE: "gay lifestyle" or "homosexual lifestyle"
PREFERRED: "lesbian" or "gay"

There is no single lesbian or gay lifestyle. Lesbians and gay men are diverse in the ways they lead their lives. The phrase "gay lifestyle" is used to denigrate lesbians and gay men, suggesting that their sexual orientation is a choice and therefore "curable."

OFFENSIVE: "admitted homosexual" or "avowed homosexual”
PREFERRED: "openly lesbian" or "openly gay" or "out"

Dated term used to describe those who are openly lesbian or gay or who have recently come out of the closet. The words "admitted" or "avowed" suggest that being a lesbian or gay man is somehow shameful or inherently secretive. Avoid the use of the word "homosexual" in either case.

There has been some recent discussion suggesting that the term "openly gay" might not be as appropriate as once was thought. The trend seems to be in favor of using the term "out" instead.

That’s Go Gay: Microaggressions and the LGBTQ Community

LGBTQ Words Added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2022

US House of Reps Adopts Gender Neutral Language Rules

Guide to Gender-Affirming Verbal Communication
Info: Preferred Gender Pronouns

Video Lesson: Anti-Trans Slurs

OFFENSIVE: "gay agenda" or "homosexual agenda"
PREFERRED: "lesbian and gay civil rights movement" or "lesbian and gay movement"

Lesbians and gay men are as diverse in our political beliefs as other communities. Our commitment to equal rights is one we share with civil rights advocates who are not necessarily lesbian or gay. "Lesbian and gay movement" accurately describes the historical effort to achieve understanding and equal treatment for gays and lesbians. Notions of a "homosexual agenda" are rhetorical inventions of anti-gay extremists seeking to portray as sinister the lesbian and gay civil rights movement.

OFFENSIVE: "special rights"
PREFERRED: "equal rights" or "equal protection"

Anti-gay extremists frequently characterize civil rights and equal protection of the law for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Americans as "special rights" in an attempt to energize opposition to anti-discrimination and equal opportunity laws.

OFFENSIVE: "fag," "faggot," "dyke," "homo," "queen," "she-male," "he-she," "it," "tranny" and similar epithets.

The criteria for using these derogatory terms should be the same as those applied to hate words for other groups: they should not be used except in a direct quote which reveals the bias of the person quoted. So that such words are not given credibility in the media, it is preferred that reporters say, "The person used a derogatory word for a lesbian, gay man or transgender person."

Kevin Hart Says Wanda Sykes Helped Him Understand Why His Homophobic Jokes Were Harmful

Hilary Duff: That's So Gay

That’s Go Gay: Microaggressions and the LGBTQ Community

Instead of "Hey Guys!" Try These Gender-Neutral Alternatives

Hallmark: Meaningful Messages for LGBTQ Friends and Family

Words the Queer Community Has Reclaimed (and Some We Haven't)

OFFENSIVE: "deviant," "disordered," "dysfunctional," "diseased," "perverted," "destructive" and similar descriptions.

The notion that being gay or lesbian is a psychological disorder was discredited by the American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association in the 1970s. Today, words such as "deviant," "diseased" and "disordered" often are used to portray lesbians and gay men as less than human, mentally ill, or as a danger to society. Words such as these should be avoided in stories about the lesbian and gay community. If they must be used, they should be quoted directly in a way that reveals the bias of the person being quoted.

OFFENSIVE: Associating gay men, lesbians, same-sex relationships or homosexuality with pedophilia, child sexual abuse, bestiality, bigamy, polygamy, adultery and incest.

Homosexuality and/or being gay is not synonymous with pedophilia, child sexual abuse, bestiality, bigamy, polygamy, adultery and/or incest. These associations often are used to suggest that lesbians and gay men pose a threat to society, to families, and to children in particular. Such suggestions are defamatory and should be avoided, except in a direct quote which reveals the bias of the person quoted.

Info: Deadnaming

That’s Go Gay: Microaggressions and the LGBTQ Community

Instead of "Hey Guys!" Try These Gender-Neutral Alternatives

Talking About Marriage

GOOD: Gay Marriage

BETTER: Same Sex Marriage

BEST: Marriage Equality

As gay and lesbian couples begin getting married, some may struggle with the appropriate words to use to refer to the wedding ceremony that is taking place or the marriage relationship that is beginning. You may hear confusion from someone who is sincerely trying to understand this new concept. They may even ask, “So, which one’s the groom and which one’s the bride?”

It is appropriate, of course, to refer to the ceremony or the occasion as simply a “wedding” or a “marriage” like any other wedding or marriage. There is no need to differentiate.

However, the term “Gay Marriage” is respectful. Using the term “Same Sex Marriage” shows greater knowledge of the subject. Using the term “Marriage Equality” shows a deeper understanding of what it means and why it is important.

US House of Reps Adopts Gender Neutral Language Rules

APA: Avoiding Heterosexual Bias in Language

Hilary Duff: That's So Gay

Ally Tips: Respectful Language

Openly Gay

Let's get rid of the term 'openly gay'

You know gay actor Andrew Scott from the series All of Us Strangers and as the hot priest from Fleabag. He says he is done with the term "openly gay."

During The Hollywood Reporter's recent Actor’s Roundtable, the beloved actor made his point about the term. "I’m going to make a pitch for getting rid of the expression openly gay," Scott said. "It’s an expression that we actually only ever hear in the media."

"You are never at a party and you say, this is my openly gay friend," Scott continued. "Why do we put openly in front of that adjective? You know, we don’t say you’re openly Irish, we don’t say you’re openly left handed."

He said he is opposed to the expression "because it’s two steps away from shamelessly gay. There’s something in it that sounds a little like the word shamelessly. It's like saying, you’re so open about it,” he added. "I nearly prefer shamelessly gay!"

"And sometimes I just feel like if you gotta say it to understand it, just say, you know, out instead. Or, you know what? Just don’t say anything at all."

Scott said there is something about saying you’re openly gay that sounded like being gay was equivalent to something sinister. "I just think it’s time to sort of park it.”

"Representation is a wonderful thing, but, you know, we’re talking an awful lot here about transformation, and I wouldn’t be here if representation hadn’t improved. But I do think transformation is very important for actors."

"I think there’s a danger of us all actually just being separated a little bit more because I think it’s a dangerous idea to put a clamp on transformation because that shouldn’t be the priority," he concluded. "The priority should be clamping down on the prejudice within our industry and looking at who gets to transform, not the transformation itself."

[Source: Mey Rude, Out Magazine, Jan 2024]

Guide to Gender-Inclusive Language
Words the LGBTQ Community Has Reclaimed (And Some We Haven't)

US House of Reps Adopts Gender Neutral Language Rules

LGBTQ Words Added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2022

Kevin Hart Says Wanda Sykes Helped Him Understand Why His Homophobic Jokes Were Harmful

That's So Gay

"When you say that's so gay to mean dumb and stupid, that's pretty insulting. Knock it off!"

-Wanda Sykes

"That's so gay! I hate that phrase so much. Especially when the word "gay" in that context is synonymous with stupid or dumb. Those who say that phrase are nothing but ignorant numbskulls with no sense of vocabulary and true understanding of its actual definition. I know several homosexual people who are by no means truly stupid and what-not. Though those several are not completely representative of the entire homosexual population, you cannot suddenly misuse a word and twist its definition to mean something entirely different. It is simply wrong and proves what kind of uneducated idiot you are."
-Gayle Quan/San Francisco, California

"That's so gay" has been part of the adolescent lexicon for some time, but a new University of Michigan study has revealed the phrase could have deep consequences for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) students. Published in the Journal of American College Health, and reported by CBS Detroit, the study reportedly examined the impact of hearing "that's so gay" among 114 LGBTQ students between the ages of 18 and 25.

Hallmark: Meaningful Messages for LGBTQ Friends and Family

Words the LGBTQ Community Has Reclaimed (And Some We Haven't)

The resulting data found that LGBTQ students who heard the phrase frequently were more likely to feel isolated and experience headaches, poor appetite or eating problems than those who didn't. Still, the study also revealed another troubling statistic: a mere 14 respondents (13 percent) hadn't heard "that's so gay" at all throughout the duration of the survey.

"Given the nature of gay-lesbian-bisexual stigma, sexual minority students could already perceive themselves to be excluded on campus and hearing 'that's so gay' may elevate such perceptions," Michael Woodford, an assistant professor of social work and co-author of the new study, said in a statement. "'That's so gay' conveys that there is something wrong with being gay." Woodford went on to suggest, "Policies and educational programs are needed to help students, staff and faculty to understand that such language can be harmful to gay students. Hopefully, these initiatives will help to eliminate the phrase from campuses."

In 2007, the phrase was at the epicenter of a controversial lawsuit, after a California teen's parents claimed their daughter's First Amendment rights had been violated after she was disciplined by her high school for uttering the phrase, which "enjoys widespread currency in youth culture," to classmates who were allegedly taunting her for her Mormon upbringing, according to court documents cited by the Associated Press.

Hilary Duff: That's So Gay

Slideshow: Respectful and Inclusive

That’s Go Gay: Microaggressions and the LGBTQ Community

Words the LGBTQ Community Has Reclaimed (And Some We Haven't)

US House of Reps Adopts Gender Neutral Language Rules

The Problem With "Hey Guys"

Transgender Terms and Labels

Let's talk about some outdated, inaccurate, or offensive gender identity terms. Although some people may use the following terms to describe their own gender, most of the labels below range from out-of-date to offensive.

OFFENSIVE: Gender Identity Disorder (or GID)
PREFERRED: Gender Dysphoria

OFFENSIVE: Hermaphrodite
PREFERRED: Intersex

OFFENSIVE: Pre-Operative, Post-Operative (Pre-Op, Post-Op)

It is considered offensive to inquire about a transgender person’s surgical status. And it is inappropriate to talk about a transgender person’s pre-operative or post-operative situation or how far they are in their transition. A person is still considered to be transgender whether they have undergone surgery or not.

Focusing on whether someone has had surgery can be considered invasive or a violation of someone’s privacy. Also many transgender people don’t want (or don’t have access to) surgeries that would change their body. Lastly, there are a variety of other ways transgender people transition besides sex reassignment surgery.

OFFENSIVE: Sex Change Operation
PREFERRED: Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) or Gender Affirming Surgery

Guide to Gender-Inclusive Language
Words the LGBTQ Community Has Reclaimed (And Some We Haven't)

US House of Reps Adopts Gender Neutral Language Rules

Slideshow: Respectful and Inclusive

LGBTQ Words Added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2022

OFFENSIVE: Shemale

This is an offensive term for a transgender woman, especially one who has had medical treatment for her breasts, but still has a penis. This term may be used by sex-workers or within the porn industry.

OFFENSIVE: Tranny

While some transgender people use the word Tranny to describe their gender, most find it highly offensive and consider it a derogatory slur.

OFFENSIVE: Transgendered

Adding -ed to the end of transgender isn’t grammatically correct. You wouldn’t say that someone is gayed, womaned, or Latinoed. Similarly you wouldn’t call someone transgendered.

OFFENSIVE: Transsexual

This is an older (outdated) term for people whose gender identities don’t match the sex that was assigned at birth and who desire and/or seek to transition to bring their bodies into alignment with their gender identities. Some use the term (inappropriately) to label a transgender person who has undergone sex reassignment surgery. Some people find this term offensive, others do not. Only refer to someone as transsexual if they tell you that’s how they identify.

Hallmark: Meaningful Messages for LGBTQ Friends and Family

Kevin Hart Says Wanda Sykes Helped Him Understand Why His Homophobic Jokes Were Harmful

Info: Deadnaming

LGBTQ Words Added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2022

Guide to Gender-Inclusive Language

Transgender Terms and Labels

OFFENSIVE: Misgendering / Deadnaming
PREFERRED: Using Preferred Pronouns / Using Preferred Name

People who are transgender or gender variant experience some sense of discomfort and dysphoria in having to deal with the mismatch of their external presentation with their internal feelings regarding being male or female. To cope with those feelings… and to affirm their true gender… they may choose a new name along with a new pronoun that more accurately expresses their identity.

A male who identifies as female, for example, may, in addition to wearing women’s clothing and make-up, choose a female-sounding name and prefer to be addressed as she and her.

For people who are transgender or gender variant, the simple act by another person of using a preferred pronoun or preferred name can make a big difference. It is a profound display of respect.

“Deadnaming” occurs when someone intentionally or accidentally refers to a transgender person by the name they used before they transitioned. “Misgendering” occurs when someone intentionally or accidentally refers to a transgender person by the pronoun they used before they transitioned.

Five Things Not to Say to a Trans Person

GLAAD: Transgender Terminology

Gender and Gender Identity

APA: Avoiding Heterosexual Bias in Language

Video Lesson: Anti-Trans Slurs

Respectful Language

Words the Queer Community Has Reclaimed (and Some We Haven't)

Trans Terms You Should Know

Glossary of Transgender Terminology

Ally Tips: Respectful Language

Inclusive Language

Types of discrimination that compromise a sense of inclusivity include heterosexism, heteronormativity, cisnormativity, gender essentialism, cissexism, and other forms of oppression (homophobia, biphobia, transphobia) based on sexual orientation and gender identity.

Working towards a more inclusive society might mean adopting language and references that are more inclusive than exclusive. Utilizing gender neutral terms could serve to increase inclusivity. Oftentimes, it is best to use gender-neutral terms instead of gender-specific terms. There are plenty of reasonable alternatives you can use that make no reference to gender... Clerk... Staff... Crew... Team... Member... Representative... Assistant... Associate... Persons... Folks...

In general or domestic usage...

Person/Individual (Instead of Man)

People (Instead of Men)

Humankind/Humanity (Instead of Mankind)

Partner/Significant Other (Instead of Boyfriend, Girlfriend)

Spouse/Partner (Instead of Husband, Wife)

Parent (Instead of Mother, Father)

Sibling (Instead of Brother, Sister)

Child (Instead of Son, Daughter)

In occupational settings...

Chair (Instead of Chairman)

Sales Representative/Rep/Associate (Instead of Salesman)

Server (Instead of Waitress)

Spokesperson (Instead of Spokesman)

Workers (Instead of Workmen, Men at Work)

Firefighter (Instead of Fireman)

Police Officer (Instead of Policeman)

Flight Attendant (Stewardess)

Hallmark: Meaningful Messages for LGBTQ Friends and Family

LGBTQ Words Added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2022

Info: Deadnaming

Kevin Hart Says Wanda Sykes Helped Him Understand Why His Homophobic Jokes Were Harmful

Guide to Gender-Inclusive Language

Respectful Language

Many of our random expressions can be potentially sexist. Our choice of descriptors can often belie sexist, homophobic, or racist attitudes.

"Man up" - Fortify

"Be a man" - Be an adult, be mature, be brave

"Man the..." - Staff the...

"Manpower" - Personnel

"Boys will be boys" - Inappropriate behavior

"That's so gay" - That's so bad, stupid, weird

"Don't be a dick" - Don't be a jerk

"Don't be a cunt" - Don't be a jerk

"Don't be a pussy" - Don't be a coward

"You're such a bitch" - You're so annoying

"She's so uppity" - She's so arrogant

"He gyped me" - He cheated me

"I jewed him down" - I bargained with him

"He was an indian giver" - He was not trustworthy

"Crack the whip" - Let's get back to work

"Chop chop" - Hurry up

"Thug" - Gangster, criminal

"Blacklist" - Boycott

"Squaw" - Native woman

"Oriental" - Asian, Eastern

"Eskimo" - Inuit, Native Alaskan

"Mumbo jumbo" - Gibberish, nonsense

Offensive ethnic expressions used to describe immigrants... Spic, Mick, Frog, Portagee, Wetback, Limey, Dago, Goomba, Guido, Polack, Fritz, Kraut, Wop, Towelhead, Paki, Yid, Heeb, Kike, Jap, Chink, Gook, Spade, Spook, Coon

And, offensive expressions used to describe poor, uneducated, white people... Whitey, Cracker, Honky, Redneck, Trailer Trash, Hillbilly, Gringo

Common English Words And Phrases With Racist Origins
Racist and Offensive Phrases That People Still Use
Everyday Words and Phrases That Have Racist Connotations
Outdated Terms With Racist Origins
List of Ethnic Slurs

Microaggressions

“People who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer (LGBTQ) experience subtle forms of discrimination, also known as microaggressions. Microaggressions are commonplace interactions that occur in a wide variety of social settings, including school or the workplace, among friends and family, and even among other LGBTQ people. These accumulated experiences are associated with feelings of victimization, suicidal thinking, and higher rates of substance abuse, depression, and other health problems among members of the LGBTQ community.”

-Dr. Kevin Nadal

NY Times: What's In a Gender Pronoun?

Gender Neutral Communication

Video: Discussing Pronouns

Gender Neutral Word List

Washington Post: The Pronoun They

Gender Neutral Terms We Should Be Using

Language of Gender

Beyond Political Correctness

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
-Nursery Rhyme

“Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts.”
-Robert Fulghum

According to Wikipedia: "Political correctness is a term which denotes language, ideas, policies, and behavior seen as seeking to minimize social and institutional offense in occupational, gender, racial, cultural, sexual orientation, certain other religions, beliefs or ideologies, disability, and age-related contexts. To be politically incorrect connotes language, ideas, and behavior unconstrained by a perceived orthodoxy or by concerns about offending or expressing bias regarding various groups of people."

Choosing the right words is a good start in acting with civility. It is important to be sensitive to others and avoid using offensive language or hurtful words. The words we used have an impact on other people and can cause harm. So, out of a genuine sense of caring and compassion, and not simply because we want to be "politically correct," we should seek to understand others and communicate with respect.

The Problem With "Hey Guys"

Guide to Gender-Inclusive Language

Hallmark: Meaningful Messages for LGBTQ Friends and Family

APA: Avoiding Heterosexual Bias in Language