Queer Cafe

What Does 'Deadname' Mean?
Why is Deadnaming Harmful?

Laverne Cox: Deadnaming and Misgendering Trans People

Health Line: What Does It Mean to Misgender Someone?
Video: Misgendering is an Act of Violence

For many people who are transgender, undergoing a name change can be an affirming step in the transition process. It can help a transgender person and the people in their lives begin to see them as the gender they know themselves to be. It can also alleviate discomfort that may be associated with one’s old (former, previous) name.

Genderqueer (genderfluid) people may also elect to change their name (or pronouns) as a way of feeling more authentic and affirmed in their identity.

Transgender and genderqueer people really want other people to forget their previous name. Unfortunately, many people may struggle to adhere to a transgender person’s new, affirmed name. In some situations, other people may refuse to acknowledge the change altogether. And in situations that involve official identification, having a legal name that doesn’t align with one’s affirmed name can cause people serving in official capacities (administrators, employers, government officials, legal entities) to inadvertently refer to a trans person by the wrong name or gender.

Uninformed cisgender (straight) people might comment about a trans person’s “real” name, as if the new name a trans person uses is somehow less real than the one given to them at birth, when they were assigned male or female. It is seen as a verbally violent offense that attempts to invalidate a person’s authentic gender identity.

Deadnaming occurs when someone, intentionally or accidentally, refers to a transgender person by the name they used before they transitioned. You may also hear it described as referring to someone by their “birth name” or their “given name.”

Regrettably, deadnaming is often employed as a transphobic way to demean and deny a transgender person's true expression of self.

It can occur, intentionally or accidentally, anywhere in a transgender person’s life, from personal relationships to the classroom or workplace.

Deadnaming a Trans Person is Psychological Violence

Health Line: What Does It Mean to Misgender Someone?

Info: Transgender Issues

Info: Preferred Gender Pronouns

Info: Respectful Language

Finding Your Name

Why Deadnaming Occurs

--Someone accidentally (unintentionally, unconsciously) deadnames a trans person because they are used to using the old name out of habit and they are still adjusting to the new name. For example: John calls his transgender sister "Alan" by accident because he had referred to her as that for most of his life. He sincerely apologizes and corrects himself.

--Someone accidentally (unintentionally, unconsciously) deadnames a trans person because they forgot or were not paying attention and simply made an honest mistake. For example: Matt, who is an ally and totally understands the importance of using preferred names and pronouns, calls a transgender male colleague by his deadname by accident because was distracted or preoccupied in the moment. He sincerely apologizes and corrects himself.

--Someone purposefully (intentionally, deliberately) deadnames a trans person to cause distress, in the way a bully might do. For example: At school, while Sara was walking down the hall, Anthony walks by her and yells, "Hey Robert!" Sara gets upset and tries to correct Anthony, but he just walks away laughing. He remains insensitive to Sara’s preferred name and pronouns and looks for another opportunity to harass her.

--Someone purposefully (intentionally, deliberately) deadnames a trans person because of their personal beliefs. For example: Grandma calls Jen "Steve" because, due to her lack of knowledge on the subject, she stubbornly believes that Jen is still a boy. She remains steadfast in her belief and continues to disrespect Jen’s preferred name and pronouns.

Person A: Oh, hey Alex! What's up?"
Person B: Oh, um.. I don't actually go by Alex anymore. My name is Luna."
Person A: Pffft! Haha! Well, you've always been Alex to me. So, I'll just call you Alex."
Person B: Oh? Well then, from now on, why don't I just call you Asshole."

Why Deadnaming is Harmful

When you refer to a transgender person by their non-affirmed name, it can feel invalidating. It can cause them to feel like you don’t respect their identity, you don’t support their transition, or that you don’t wish to put forth the effort to make this necessary change.

If you do so in front of people who are not in the know, it can effectively “out” the transgender person. This may or may not be something that they want other people to know. Not only can being outed cause stress, it can also subject that person to harassment and discrimination.

For transgender people, a name change is an integral part of their struggle to determine and affirm their identities. Deadnaming reminds the person of their former name (and former life) and invalidates their efforts to be their authentic self. It has the potential to bring forth painful or embarrassing memories and dig up a past that they would much rather forget. A transgender person experiences some dysphoria at the mere thought of anyone knowing their given name or assigned gender.

Some transgender people, after having self-determined their identity or after they have transitioned, no longer refer to themselves as transgender. Instead they simply refer to themselves by their correct and true gender.

Even if some acts of deadnaming and misgendering are due to insensitivity, carelessness, and ignorance, it can be viewed as a form of transphobia and as psychological violence.

Deadnaming a Trans Person is Psychological Violence

Info: Transgender Issues

Using Trans Name: Matter of Life and Death

Using transgender people’s correct name is literally a matter of life and death. A new study found that transgender people who are referred to with the correct name are at a lower risk of suicide.

Stephen Russell of the University of Texas at Austin, et al., interviewed 129 transgender and non-binary people between the ages of 15 and 21. He asked them if they could go by their actual name at home, at school, at work, and with their friends, and also asked them questions about suicide.

Compared to participants who had to go by their birth name in all four domains, those who could go by their actual name were 34% less likely to report thoughts of suicide and 65% less likely to attempt suicide. Those who could go by their real names experienced 71% fewer symptoms of depression.

“I’ve been doing research on LGBTQ youth for almost 20 years now, and even I was surprised by how clear that link was,” Russell said.

The researchers found participants in three major cities and said that his sample was diverse in terms of socioeconomic class and race. They controlled for those factors when analyzing the results and also for social support.

“It’s practical to support young people in using the name that they choose,” Russell said. “It’s respectful and developmentally appropriate.”

This is another reason it’s important to fight discrimination at work, to force schools to respect trans students’ gender identities, and for people to refer to use the right names for the transgender people in their lives: for some people, it can be a matter of life and death.

[Source: Alex Bollinger, LGBTQ Nation, April 2018]

Info: Preferred Gender Pronouns

Info: Respectful Language What Does 'Deadname' Mean?

Are You a Trans Ally?

If you are an ally and you deadname or misgender someone, we can agree that your unfortunate mis-step was unintentional, mistaken, accidental, not deliberate, erroneous, and inadvertent. And your words will have unintended consequences. But, because you are an ally, you acknowledge your error and apologize.

But, what happens when you deliberately deadname or misgender someone? What message are you sending when you ignore someone’s preferred name or gender pronouns?

--I can hear you talking, but I’m not really listening to you.

--I know you better than you know yourself.

--I know what’s best for you.

--Being who you truly are is an inconvenience to me.

--I would rather hurt you than change the way I speak about you.

--Your sense of safety is not important to me.

--Your feelings of authenticity are not important to me.

--Your identity isn’t real and should not be acknowledged.

--Offending you is fine if it makes me feel more comfortable.

--Showing you respect is not a priority to me.

--I want to teach everyone around me to disrespect you.

--Why don’t you quit being so sensitive and stop your whining.

--I would prefer it if you stopped being honest with me.

--I am not an ally or a friend.

--I am not someone you can trust.

--I do not care about you.

Deadnaming a Trans Person is Psychological Violence

Finding Your Name

How to be a Trans Ally
Basic Trans Ally Manners

Reciprocity and Understanding

We expect that cis/straight allies are sincere in their effort to extend respect and affirmation to transgender and genderqueer people. We expect that they understand why it is important to use the proper pronouns and the proper name when referring to or interacting with a transgender or genderqueer person. We expect that they are aware of the harm that can be done when someone deadnames a trans person or uses the wrong pronouns. And we expect that they are trying their best to do the right thing on behalf of transgender and genderqueer people.

In the spirit of reciprocity, we also expect that transgender and genderqueer people will extend the same courtesy and respect to cis/straight allies. We expect that transgender and genderqueer people will be patient and understanding of mistakes and mis-steps made by cis/straight allies. We expect that they are aware that cis/straight allies, while sincere in the effort to offer support and affirmation, are not perfect and that they will sometimes make mistakes. We expect that transgender and genderqueer people understand that such errors by cis/straight allies are unintentional and accidental.

Please remember, cis/straight allies are friends of the LGBTQ community. They are not hostile, mean-spirited, judgmental, or callous, but, in fact, seek to be respectful, empathetic, and supportive regarding LGBTQ people. They are not ignorant or uniformed, but, in fact, are very educated regarding LGBTQ issues and concerns. But they are also human, they are flawed, and they are not perfect. Cut them some slack. They do not need to be regarded in the same light as those who purposefully, intentionally, and with conscious malice, cause distress to LGBTQ people. Such anti-LGBTQ people are ignorant and hateful and typically hold unhealthy attitudes and dangerous beliefs regarding LGBTQ people.

Info: LGBTQ Straight Allies

Cis and Flawed: Being a Good Trans Ally
Being a Trans Ally

Info: Preferred Pronouns

Comments About Deadnaming

“Calling a trans person by their former name is referred to as deadnaming and is considered highly offensive to most trans people I know.”

-Steven Petrow

"I think selecting a name and hearing people refer to me with that name was pretty solidifying in the transition process. It made me feel like I was being seen as the man I was presenting myself as. When I finally got my legal documentation changed over to reflect my chosen name, it was a major deal. Yes, it's time-consuming and frustrating, but it's so worth it in the end. I no longer get strange looks when I present my ID card or license."

-Caleb Camacho

“For transgender people, our relationships to our names are complicated, to say the least. What we’re called has power, and hearing a blatantly masculine or feminine name applied to you when you’re trying to realign your gender in a different direction can be a source of profound, dysphoria-inducing anxiety. Hearing or seeing one’s old name can induce a visceral sense of terror that no matter how much progress one makes in their transition, the person they used to be (or pretended to be) is still there. One’s deadname is a name that shall not be spoken, for it invokes a restless spirit. Many trans people will go to great lengths to prevent people from finding out their deadnames, destroying irreplaceable photos and documents in an effort to ensure that who they really are is the only identity most will remember. We may not be able to make our families forget what they used to call us, but we can change how we’re known to the rest of the world.”

-Samantha Riedel

“Deadnaming and misgendering trans people is an act of violence.”

-Laverne Cox

“In my experience, dead-naming can show a lack of respect for that person's identity. For those who have just begun their transition, especially, it can also cause pretty bad dysphoria and self-doubt and anxiety and a whole list of emotions that no one should have to deal with. During the first couple of years of my transition, it didn't really bother me too much, especially with my family. It took a while for my family to fully accept my transition, so I was understanding of the fact that it would take time for them to get used to referring to me by my preferred name. After all, they'd spent 20-something years calling me by my dead name. Now, since I've been transitioning for more than four years, I get a bit annoyed if they slip up, and then I remind them that my name is Caleb. It doesn't happen too often anymore, though."

-Caleb Camacho

“When I first went full time, I gathered up every piece of clothing I owned from my previous life and I put it in a box. On that box I wrote my dead name. It felt like packing up after a loved one has died. It took me a weekend to fill the box and the whole time I was filling the box I grieved. That chapter in my life is over. Those things belong to... someone else. Someone I never really was but pretended to be for thirty years. That life wasn't all bad. Some of the things that went in that box were sentimental. Some of those things represented accomplishments and journeys I had taken. But I don't connect to those things the same way anymore. And so I grieved. So I packed everything away, as though I had died, and I grieved for what I was leaving behind. I think that the grieving was important. Choosing to transition is a choice to leave some things behind. Filling the box was a time when I could grieve for those things. I still have the box in the closet with my dead name on it. There are things in the box too precious to part with, and those memories will always be part of me. But I'm not that person any more. I've grieved for that person, but now I've moved on. I think dead name is an entirely appropriate way to refer to a name and an identity that has passed and been mourned, don't you?”

-Jae Alexis Lee

“For the most part, you should never use a trans person’s birth name (or, as some of us often call it, dead name) and you should always stick with the pronouns they’ve asked you to use. It’s important to understand they didn’t become who they are the moment they told you their chosen name. And they didn’t become this person because they transitioned. Instead, they transitioned because they already were this person. When you’re talking about their past, even though you may not have known them as the person they are now, this is still the person they were. For example, I’ve always been Amelia. I may not have gone by this name in the past, but this was always the person I was inside, even if I was hiding it as much as possible and pretending to be someone else. Also, it’s never okay to out a trans person. Depending on the company you’re in, it’s possible, perhaps even likely, that not everyone is aware this person is transgender and they would like to keep it that way. While I’m 100% openly transgender, it’s still not okay for someone else to out me. Even if it’s pretty obvious to someone else that I’m trans, no one else has the right to confirm that information. Maybe I don’t want to actually talk about trans stuff at that time. Maybe my safety could be at risk, which is not something anyone else is in a position to evaluate. Maybe there’s just no reason why that person needs to know I’m trans.”

-Amelia Gapin

Deadnaming a Trans Person is Psychological Violence

Health Line: What Does It Mean to Misgender Someone?

Info: Transgender Issues

Finding Your Name

Info: Preferred Gender Pronouns

Info: Respectful Language

Transgender Terminology

AMAB – Assigned Male at Birth.

AFAB – Assigned Female at Birth.

Doxxing - Dropping documents. Collecting and revealing personal and private information about a person's past. Releasing embarrassing information publicity against a person's wishes. Defaming, harassing, and outing a person by revealing past hidden information about them.

TERF – Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Women who oppose the inclusive of transgender women in spaces exclusively reserved for women assigned female at birth.

Clocking - Term used to reflect that a transgender person has been recognized as trans, usually when that person is trying to blend in with cisgender people, and not intending to be seen as anything other than the gender they present. The term is typically used by presentation-focused trans men and women to explain the crushing disappointment they feel, usually when cisgender people “out” them, but also when someone trans does it. Another word is "read," as in "She read me," or "I got read as trans." It should be noted not all trans people can or want to “blend in” or "pass" to avoid being “clocked,” and many make peace with their gender presentation being at odds with what society dictates a man or woman "should" look like.

Passing – For those whose aim is to be accepted as the gender with which they identify, “passing” is considered a worthy goal, and at the same time a very arbitrary determinant. “Passing” is to “blend-in,” and like beauty, can vary depending on the eye of the beholder. For many trans people, the pursuit of "passing" is rooted in a desire for safety.

Sex Change – The term is far from accurate and not generally preferred. To many in the trans community, it can be an insulting term.

To those looking in from the outside, "sex change" seems to be the perfect description: one day you’re a woman, now you’re a man. You changed your sex. Well, not really. To understand why “sex change” is a terrible thing to say, understand that “sex” is a stand-in for the word “gender.” Gender doesn’t really change when someone undergoes an operation that for decades was commonly called a “sex change,” or more recently, “sexual reassignment surgery.” Someone who identifies as female (regardless of their sex assigned at birth) doesn’t change, so much as work to align their physical appearance and anatomy with the gender they know themselves to be.

That’s why the term “gender reassignment” came about, to better explain that a person assigned male at birth was given a treatment or surgery to live as a female. But that, too, raised heckles, and that is where we get the terms “gender confirmation surgery” and “gender affirming surgery,” two more accepted terms that emphasize the treatment and surgery not so much as a transformation but as an acknowledgement that the mind and body needed realignment.

Deadnaming a Trans Person is Psychological Violence

Laverne Cox: Deadnaming and Misgendering Trans People

Health Line: What Does It Mean to Misgender Someone?