Queer Cafe

Look at Me I'm MTG by Randy Rainbow
Life's a Fucking Fantasy for Santos: Randy Rainbow Parody
The Marriage License

SNL Coffee Talk with Linda Richman
Thoughts and Prayers: Randy Rainbow
Bring Me My Vaccine: Rainbow Parody

Vintage Ads That Are So Gay
Key and Peele: Gay Co-Worker

Gay Humor

One time my girlfriend was mentioning to me that her period was late.

And for a horrible second I thought I had gotten her pregnant.

But then I remembered. Oh yeah, we’re lesbians.

I am a gay dad. And what has just happened is that my 4 year old son, out of nowhere, just asked me how many minutes there are in a year. So, I'm warming up my vocal cords...

Being gay is like being left-handed. Some people are. Most people aren’t. And nobody really knows why. It’s not right or wrong. It’s just the way things are.

Gay Marriage is an insult to the sanctity of marriage!
No, I believe you were thinking of divorce.

Gay kids read thousands of books about straight characters. Yet, they still grow up gay. But you're worried that if your son Billy reads a book about a penguin with two dads, he's going to wake up the next day and ask Brad to the prom.

I came out to my mom during breakfast. She didn't say anything for awhile. And the silence felt kinda scary. Until she finally said, So, you'll be wanting sausage with those pancakes?" We laughed until we cried and I nearly died laughing.

Do you seriously believe God would judge someone for loving a person of the same sex but would not judge you for hating someone you have never even met?

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a doughnut because you’re on a diet.

So I was on the bus with this granny beside me when we spotted two girls kissing by the bus stop. The granny turned to me and said, “These girls are so pretty. At their age I was sort of ugly. Well, maybe that’s why I had to marry a man."

Look at Me I'm MTG by Randy Rainbow

Randy Rainbow: Clang, Clang, Clang Went Josh Hawley
Beauty and the Beat Boots by Todrick Hall

Trae Crowder: Liberal Redneck
Randy Rainbow: Making a Difference Award Honoree

Those Were the Good Old Days by Randy Rainbow

Funny LGBTQ Quotes

"I was born a sinner. My particular sin is mentioned in the bible 25 times. I tried to change, but could not.

Luckily, society has learned to accept us left-handed people."
-Nicholas Ferroni, Educator and Activist

"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming."
-Homer Simpson

"Science has proven that you feel better when you smile.... Unless a man is telling you to do it."

-Lily Tomlin

"One of my friends told me she just quit drinking. She told me that she hit her rock bottom. I want to know more, I said to her. What was your rock bottom story? She said, I woke up in an apartment I didn't recognize. Naked. Next to a guy I didn't know. Holding me. That was my rock bottom, she said. And I'm not sure what that says about me, but that would be the best day of my life."
-Gary Vider

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
-Robin Williams

"My high school had a Head Start program for homosexuals, it was called Drama Club."
-Bob Smith

"They say you can't tell guys are gay just by looking. But if two guys are kissing, you can figure at least one of them is gay."
-Bill Braudis

"The heterosexuals who hate gay people should just stop having all those gay babies."
-Lynda Montgomery

Randy Rainbow: Clang, Clang, Clang Went Josh Hawley
Beauty and the Beat Boots by Todrick Hall

"I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational."
-David Cross

"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses."
-Daphne Fielding

“If gays become accepted, then more people will decide to become gay. Yes, because after blacks gained rights, all the white people went out and decided to become black.”

-John Stewart

"A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a Gay Pride parade.
-Jimmy Fallon

"All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex."
-Bill Maher

"My son's 13-year-old non-binary classmate was wearing a t-shirt yesterday that said: "Error 404: Gender Not Found." And I thought that was hilarious and brilliant! Their mom made it for them. That mom is my hero."

-Amanda Jett knox

“In a recent interview, One Direction singer Harry Styles said that he is pretty sure he is not bisexual. Which at least saves them the hassle of changing the band’s name to Both Directions.”

-Conan O’Brian

Lesbian Comedians To Make You Belly Laugh
Video: Coming Out, First and 101st Time

Randy Rainbow on CBS Sunday Morning
Vintage Ads That Are So Gay
Video Montage: Lesbian Lover Day

Randy Rainbow: Making a Difference Award Honoree

Queer Jokes

I really feel bad for the kids with lesbian parents.

They get stuck in the never-ending loop of “Go ask your mother.”

Of course I'm pro gay. I didn't practice this much to remain an amateur gay.

The best safe word you can use is "Meatloaf."

It means "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."

My uncle just came out as gay, and my grandma said: "It's about time. I thought you would have found Narnia by now, you've been in the closet so long."

Text-messaging...
Him: Hi! You're so beautiful!
Me: Thanks!
Him: Ahem.

Me: What?
Him: What about me? Didn't you see my pics?
Me: Please don't take this the wrong way, but you're not what I'm looking for?

Him: Oh really? I'm 6'2" with a firm six-pack. A real man with lots of stamina. What more could you want?

Me: A woman

I got called "pretty" today ...

Well, actually, the full statement was, "You're pretty annoying" ...

But, I like to focus on positive things.

I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, bi, trans, black, white, purple, or green. Respect me. And I’ll respect you. But, if you’re purple or green, you should probably see a doctor.

The gay agenda? Why, of course! When was the last time a gay person knocked on your door asking you if you'd like to hear the good news of Elton John?

Yesterday I asked my 13-year-old son what the other kids at school think about him having 2 dads. He said, "They don't care much about that. But they don't like how I'm immune to Yo-Mama jokes."

Gay! Gay! Gay! By Randy Rainbow
Queer Comics You Should Know

Welcome to DeSantis: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
Miriam Margolyes on Graham Norton Show

Speaker of the House: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
LGBTQ Comedians Who Will Make You Laugh

Someone said my clothes were gay.

And I said, "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

I came out to my dad today. My dad looked at me stone cold and said, “Same rules as your sisters, no boys allowed in your room.”

Hating people because you don't understand their sexual orientation or gender identity is like honking your horn in the middle of a traffic jam. It's pointless and everyone else thinks you're a douche.

So, I asked her for the scissors, and that's when she dimmed the lights.

I like my men like I like my wallet, chubby and covered in leather.

1st Guy: Dude, don't you realize, as a parent, you turned your kid gay?

2nd Guy: Dude, I can't even get my kid to empty the dishwater.

Driver: My pronoun is "they"

Officer: Well, here's another ticket

You seem like a sweet person. Mind if I lick you to find out?

Working in the drive-though...

Me: And would you like a Hot Wheels or a Barbie Toy with that Kid's Meal, maam?
Woman: Uh, it's for a boy.

Me: Okay, fine. So, do you want a Hot Wheels or a Barbie Toy?

Woman: I want a boy toy.

Me: Ha ha. Don't we all.

If you don’t want homosexuals to adopt children, tell heterosexuals to stop having children they don’t want.

The biggest danger of taking your child to a drag show is that a Christian could show up with a gun.

Lesbian Comedians To Make You Belly Laugh
Video: Coming Out, First and 101st Time

Randy Rainbow on CBS Sunday Morning
Vintage Ads That Are So Gay
Video Montage: Lesbian Lover Day

Humorous LGBTQ Jokes

If the sanctity of marriage is so important...

then where are all the people protesting adultery and divorce?

If you're opposed gay marriage, you can simply say "no" when a gay person proposes to you....

Follow me for more life tips.

Q: What is the primary distinction between a straight and gay man?
A: A straight man undresses a woman with his eyes, while a gay man has already imagined a whole new, more stylish, outfit for her.

I like my men like I like my wallet, chubby and covered in leather.

Heterosexual: Fuck that
Homosexual: Fuck this
Bisexual: Fuck you and also you
Pansexual: Fuck everything
Demisexual: Fuck you in particular
Asexual: Fuck no

I hate when people say "you don't look gay." So, I have to respond, "Oh I'm sorry, did I forgot to shower in glitter and rainbows before leaving my house this morning?"

I just came out as pansexual and my sister threw a pan at me and said "Here, your future husband."

Q: What are the similarities between stock traders, gay men, and Chicagoans?
A: They all love the bears.

Dad: So, do you like your coffee like you like your men? Tall and dark?

Daughter: No. But I do like my coffee like I like my women. Sweet, strong, and able to keep me up all night.

Kristin Key: Between a Redneck in Portland
Books: Best LGBTQ Humor

Lesbian Princess

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, "I know that sound. My husband plays that game all the time."

There was a girl in my class who said she didn't want to sit next to me because she was afraid she would catch the "lesbian disease."
So, I coughed on her.

When I came out and told my parents I was gay...
My Mom handed my Dad $20.

One time, this guy bullied me for being a lesbian.
So, I stole his girlfriend.

"Hey, being a male nurse makes you gay!"
"No, the fact that I have a boyfriend and love him makes me gay. The fact that I'm a nurse makes me awesome."

So, this guy says to me, "You support gay rights. You must be gay."

And I replied, "I support animal rights. Do I look like a cocker spaniel to you?"

Randy Rainbow: Clang, Clang, Clang Went Josh Hawley
Beauty and the Beat Boots by Todrick Hall

Trae Crowder: Liberal Redneck
Randy Rainbow: Making a Difference Award Honoree

Gurl, You're a Karen by Randy Rainbow
Video: The Straightest Dude Ever

Q: How do lesbians settle an argument?
A: Rock, Papers, Scissors

Abigail Van Buren, the writer of the famous Dear Abby newspaper advice column, received a letter from a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street. He wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood. Abby responded, "You could move."

Q: What did LGBTQ stand for in 2020?
A: Lets get back to quarantine

Trump supporters are demanding to join the LGBTQ community.
They say they identify as Non-Bidenary

Six-year-old nephew: Uncle Mike? Why don't you have a wife?
Uncle: Because I'm gay.
Nephew: What does that mean?
Uncle: It means that I like men, not women.
Nephew: So, why don't you have a husband?

I found out the other day that my car is a big supporter of the LGBTQ community.
The mechanic even said it had a great trans mission.

What do you call an LGBTQ Transformer?
Optimus Pride

My little brother was sent to a church camp to "fix" his homosexuality. And it was pretty successful. He came back two weeks later with his new boyfriend. Turns out they didn't "fix" him so much as "fix him up."

Funny Queer Stuff

LGBTQ Comedian: Hannah Gadsby

Video Montage: Happy Dating

Randy Rainbow: Making a Difference Award Honoree

Bible Based Marriage
Lesbian Princess

Gay Short Story No. 1

One day, four men went golfing together. Three went to the first tee, while one went into the clubhouse to pay the bill. The three guys began to chat about their sons and brag about them.

First Dad: My son is a building contractor. He’s so successful that he built a new home for a friend for free.

Second Dad: My son is a car dealer. He is so successful that recently he gifted his friend an electric car.

Third Dad: My son is a restaurant owner. Recently, his restaurant chain has gone international. He is so successful that he handed out his friend a Dining Privilege membership for 3 years.

The fourth dad joined the group later. And the first dad said, "We were just discussing our sons. How is yours doing?"

Fourth Dad: My son is gay. I’m not crazy about it, but I feel certain he’s good at what he does. His previous three boyfriends each gifted him with a new house, electric car and free food.”

Video: Weird Questions Gay Couples Get

Queer Theory of Humor

Video: When Coming Out Goes Better Than You Thought

The Defenders of Traditional Marriage

Video Montage: Crossover Edition

LGBTQ Comedians

Ellen DeGeneres
Ross Matthews
Tig Notaro
Hannah Gadsby
Suzanne Westenhofer
DeAnne Smith
Margaret Cho
Dana Goldberg
Mario Cantone
Simon Amstell
Paula Pell
Paris Sashay
Fortune Feimster
Jaye McBride
Chewy May
Randy Rainbow

Kate McKinnon
Lea DeLaria
Eddie Izzard
Sandra Bernhard
Kate Clinton
Wanda Sykes
Gabe Liedman
Justin Zirilli
Michael Benjamin
Oscar Aydin
Sabrina Jalees
Franqi French
Maggie Casella
Alec Mapa
Kelli Dunham
Benito Skinner

Sampson McCormick
Lilly Singh
Eliot Glazer
Erin Foley
James Adomian
Mae Martin
KeLanna Spiller
Stephen Guarino
Jeena Bloom
Ike Avelli
Joel Creasey
Joe Lycett
Matteo Lane
Jay Jurden
Adam Sank
Cassie Workman

Thoughts and Prayers: Randy Rainbow
Queer Jokes From LGBTQ Stand-Up Comics

Speaker of the House: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
Onion Movie Critic: Hunger Games, Catching Fire

Cake Baker Limericks

That baker in Boulder said “Hey,
I refuse to bake cakes for a gay,
The Good Lord is clear:
Never bake for a queer
Nor cater for their wedding day.

A cake-making bigot named Jay
Denied service to anyone gay
But murderers, liars,
And heroin buyers,
He just couldn’t turn them away.

The Supreme Court with wise judges nine
Decided gay weddings are fine
But then, for God’s sakes,
When asked about cakes,
They felt it was best to decline.

Our baker won’t yield to gay passion,
Though same-sex is clearly in fashion.
He happily bakes
Heterosexual cakes,
And occasionally takes part in gay bashin’.

Thoughts and Prayers: Randy Rainbow
Queer Jokes From LGBTQ Stand-Up Comics

Gay! Gay! Gay! By Randy Rainbow
Queer Comics You Should Know

LGBTQ Jokes

I think God is happier when a gay couple gets married than when a straight couple gets divorced.

I made eye contact with a gay couple at Wal-Mart. They asked, “Do you have a problem with two gay men together?” I replied, "I do when they’re blocking the candy aisle."

Message from lesbians: We love men. We just don't like them naked.

A threesome? No thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

Alex: Your teeth are so straight.
Cameron: It's because I had braces.
Alex: Oh. Good for you.
Cameron: Too bad I can't get braces for my sexuality.
Alex: Are you trying to tell me that you are gay?
Cameron: Pretty much.

I get really offended when people tell me I’m going to hell for being gay, because I feel like they’re overlooking all of the other valid reasons that I’m going to hell.

The fact that humanity has to clarify that any lives matter, should be concern enough.

If you don't like pronouns...

You can go verb yourself until your noun falls off!

That's so... bad, hideous, foolish, atrocious, idiotic, unfortunate, trashy, dim, contemptible, heinous, inferior, reprehensible, stupid, deplorable, uncouth, hapless, obscene, despicable... and, with all those words at your disposal, you choose "gay." You might need to buy a dictionary. Or at least a thesaurus.

Welcome to DeSantis: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
Miriam Margolyes on Graham Norton Show

Speaker of the House: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
LGBTQ Comedians Who Will Make You Laugh

Life's a Fucking Fantasy for Santos: Randy Rainbow Parody
The Marriage License

SNL Coffee Talk with Linda Richman
Thoughts and Prayers: Randy Rainbow

Being gay is not a sin...

However, being an asshole is

Ellen Degeneres gives money to charity… Ellen DeGenerous

Ellen takes command of an army… Ellen DeGeneral

Ellen starts producing electricity… Ellen DeGenerator

Ellen alters the structure of DNA… Ellen DeGenetecist

My Aunt: How’s your gay phase going?

Me: Better than your marriage.

I don’t understand why people think that having a gay child means that you failed as a parent.

Not true. Disowning your gay child means you failed as a parent.

I listen to every genre of music. You might say I'm polyjamorous.

Family meeting...

Daughter: Dad, I'm a lesbian.

Mother: I have to admit, I'm a lesbian too.

Father: Well, is there anyone in this house who prefers men?

Son: I do.

If you're kinky and you know it, clap your...
Oh, they're tied up? Never mind.

A customer submitted a complaint to the Campbell's Soup Company in regard to their latest ad campaign...
Customer Message: Your new commercial featuring two gay dads makes me sick.
Campbell's Soup Response: Hello! Thank you for your message. If you're feeling sick, we suggest enjoying a delicious can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. Make sure to enjoy it hot, so that it can warm up your cold, dead heart. Hope that helps.

Vintage Ads That Are So Gay
Nothing Like a Wall: Rainbow Parody

I've been forced to explain homosexuality to my two innocent kids (ages 3 and 4) because their uncle is gay. This incredibly difficult and traumatic experience went as follows:
Kids: Daddy, why does Uncle Bob go everywhere with his friend Pete?
Me: Because they're in love, just like Mommy and Daddy are.
Kids: Oh. Can I have a cookie?
They're going to be scarred for life! Scarred, I tell you!

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

I’m not gay. But my boyfriend is.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.

One woman says to another woman, “So, how do you like lesbian sex?” The other women replies, “It’s too complicated to tell you about. I’d have to show you.”

Where do you find a lost lesbian?
In no-man’s land

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I've had in years! I wonder how the girls are doing?"

I’m like a windshield wiper. I go both ways.

99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.

Someone just asked, “Who wears the pants in your relationship?” and my girlfriend replied, "Well, I prefer neither of us."

Speaker of the House: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
LGBTQ Comedian: Sabrina Jalees

Hollywood Squares

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Video: Weird Questions Gay Couples Get

Queer Theory of Humor

Video: When Coming Out Goes Better Than You Thought

The Defenders of Traditional Marriage

Trae Crowder: What If My Sons Are Gay?
SNL Video: Xanax for Gay Summer Weddings

Video Montage: Crossover Edition

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Kristin Key: Between a Redneck in Portland
Books: Best LGBTQ Humor

Lesbian Princess

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Video Montage: Ain't it Fun!

Bible Based Marriage
Liberal Redneck: Florida's Don't-Say-Gay Bill

Gay Short Story No. 2

John asked his mother over for dinner. His mother couldn’t help but notice how attractive John’s roommate was during lunch. She had been dubious about Johns’ sexual orientation for a long time, and this only piqued her interest.

While observing the two interact throughout the evening, she began to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than greeted the eye. “I know what you must be thinking,” John said, reading his mother’s mind. “But rest assured Mark and I are only roomies.”

Mark approached John about a week later and said, “I haven’t been able to locate the lovely silver gravy ladle since your mother arrived for dinner. You don’t think she’d take it, do you?”

“Well, I doubt it,” John remarked, “but just to be sure, I’ll write her a note.” So he sat down and penned the following: “I’m not claiming you took a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you didn’t take a gravy ladle from my house. But the fact is that one has been missing since you arrived for dinner.”

John received a letter from his mother a few days later, which read: “I left the ladle sitting on Mark's bed. Oh, and I’m not saying you do sleep with Mark, and I’m not saying you do not sleep with Mark. However, if he were sleeping in his own bed, he would have discovered the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”

SNL Coffee Talk with Linda Richman

Thoughts and Prayers: Randy Rainbow
Key and Peele: Gay Co-Worker

Gay Agenda

6:00   AM    Gym.
8:00   AM    Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites).
9:00   AM    Hair appointment.
10:00 AM    Shopping (Nordstroms, Saks).
12:00 PM    Brunch.
2:00   PM    Assume complete control of the US Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments. Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle. Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages. Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels. Establish planetary chain of "homo breeding gulags" where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership. Bulldoze all houses of worship. Secure total control of the internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:15   PM    Be fabulous.
2:30   PM    Mud mask and beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest.
4:00   PM    Cocktails.
6:00   PM    Light Dinner (soup, salad with romaine, radicchio, arugula, and balsamic vinaigrette dressing, with Chardonnay).
8:00   PM    Theater.
10:30 PM    Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.
11:00 PM    Bed.

Vintage Ads That Are So Gay
The Real Story of Adam and Steve

LGBTQ Comedian: Hannah Gadsby

Gay Short Story No. 3

When a gay man wins cruise tickets, he plans to take his two best friends and their wives, as well as his spouse. They’re all on a trip having a nice time when the ship is involved in an accident and everyone aboard dies.

They all appear before St. Peter. The two women are the first to ascend, and St. Peter welcomes them. When the first straight man arrives, St. Peter stops him and says, “I’m afraid I can’t let you in because you have an unhealthy obsession with money. You even married a woman named Penny, didn’t you?” And he was relegated to the depths of hell.

When the next straight person comes up to St. Peter, he adds, “I can’t let you in either because you have an unhealthy obsession with eating. You even married a woman named Candy.” And he was relegated to the depths of hell.

“Well, this doesn't look good for me, Dick,” the gay man said to his companion.

LGBTQ Limericks

There once was a queer from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room.
They spent the whole night
In a hell of a fight
Over who should do what, and to whom!

There once was a fellow McSweeny

Who spilled some gin on his weenie

Just to be couth

He added vermouth

Then slipped his boyfriend a martini.

There was a young fellow named Taylor
Who seduced a respectable sailor.
When they put him in jail,
He worked out the bail,
By flirting at length with the jailer.

Speaker of the House: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
Beauty and the Beat Boots by Todrick Hall

Three Short Stories

No. 1 -- One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything." The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to commit a sex act with a nun." She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic." Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!" The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley." The cab driver pulled into the alley and they immediately committed a sex act. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?" He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied. I'm married and I'm Jewish!" The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!'

No 2 -- Three desperately ill men go to their doctor seeking help. One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker, and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead. The other two men walk out side realizing how serious this is. But then the chain smoker sees a half a cigarette on the ground still burning. So, the gay guy says to the chain smoker, "If you bend over to pick that up were both dead."

No. 3. -- In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on, but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?" In reply, the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

SNL Coffee Talk with Linda Richman

Thoughts and Prayers: Randy Rainbow
Key and Peele: Gay Co-Worker

LGBTQ Riddles

Question: What is lesbian sex like?
Answer: Both people have orgasms

Question: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
Answer: Single

Question: What do you say to console your nonbinary friend when they keep getting misgendered?
Answer: Their their

Question: How many trans people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: One to change the lightbulb. And literally everyone else to tell them to slow down, think about it, and wait first.

Question: What kind of programming do trans robots have?
Answer: Non-Binary

Question: What do you call a lesbian cock block?
Answer: A beaver dam

Beauty and the Beat Boots by Todrick Hall

Vintage Ads That Are So Gay
Advocate Magazine: Comedy

Adam and Steve

"Adam and Steve" is a term used by mega Christian homophobes on social media and elsewhere. It is a derogatory term used to announce their disapproval of sexual relationships between 2 men. Often accommodated by a laughing minion in a sepia tone. Anybody who says this unironically has most likely never said a single original thing in their lives.

Just so you know, if God had made Adam and Steve, we'd still be in the damn garden.

And, if the gay version if Adam and Eve is Adam and Steve, what is the lesbian version?
Madam and Eve? Addy and Eve? Adell and Eve?

And what about the bisexual response: "The bible said Adam and Eve. So I did both."

A similar argument, phrased something like “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Eve and Julie and Teresa,” has been used to contest advocates of polygamy.

And lest we forget, "It was Lot and his daughters, not Lot and his sons! Get it right!"

God could not have started the world with an “Adam and Steve." To do so would have forever limited the population of humanity to two. With that said, there is a possible weakness in the “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” argument. It could be argued that, once humanity’s population was significantly greater than two, there would be nothing to proscribe “Adam and Steve” and “Adell and Eve” relationships, original design and later commands notwithstanding.

"So one night I caused him to fall into a deep sleep. Fulsomely did I roofie his nectar. And as he slept, I removed a rib, though not a load bearing one. And from this rib I fashioned a companion for him. T'was a hunk, unburdened by excess wisdom, ripped and cut, and hung like unto a fig tree before the harvest. Yea, and a power bottom. And Adam arose, and saw him, and wept for joy. And he called the man Steve. I had suggested Steven, but Adam liked to keep things informal. And Adam and Steve were naked, and felt no shame. They knew each other, as often as possible. Truly their loins were a wonderland."
-The Last Testament, A Memoir of God by David Javerbaum

Bible Based Marriage
LGBTQ Comedians Who Will Make You Laugh

Queer Quips

I've been asking people what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

Nobody will give me a straight answer.

Being pansexual does not mean I have erotic relations with cookware.

What won’t a lesbian take?
Dictation

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. “Long day?” the bartender asks. “Well… My oldest son just came out…” The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. “What now?” the bartender asks. “My middle son just came out.” The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. “Again?” the bartender asks. “Yeah. My youngest son.” He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. “My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls?” the bartender asks. “Yeah… My wife.”

When I’m at the grocery store and they ask me if I want paper or plastic, I say, “Either is fine. I’m bi-sacksual.”

I keep confusing my "gaydar" with my "pleasebegaydar."

Why do gay men name their penises?

Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

I came out when me and my mother were walking past some tomatoes plants. The plants had the sticks that make them grow up straight. And because I have scoliosis my mother said, "Ha! We should’ve given you one of those as a kid.” And me being a dumbass, I said, “yeah, I know, right? To think I could’ve been straight.” Still not sure if she thought I was talking about my sexuality or spine.

LGBTQ Comedian: Sabrina Jalees

Sexualities as Doors

Heterosexual - Door swings one way

Homosexual - Door swings the other way

Bisexual - Door swings both ways

Pansexual - Revolving door

Demisexual - Door is locked and only one person has the key

Asexual - Door is actually a wall

Gay Riddles

Q: What do you call a homosexual dentist?
A: Tooth fairy

Q: What do you call a gay boxer?
A: Fruit Punch

Q: What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar?
A: Flame Thrower

Q: What do you call a 5-man gay mariachi band?

A: Juan Direction

Q. What's the biggest crime committed by drag queens?

A: Male Fraud

Q: What do you call a gay milkman?
A: Dairy Queen

Q: What do you call a group of homosexual lions?
A: Gay Pride

Q: What do you call a gay Arab man?
A: Hummus Sexual

Vintage Ads That Are So Gay
Video Montage: I'm Hetero, Right?

Lesbian Princess

Trans Puns

When I was crowdfunding to try to raise money for my top surgery,

I thought I would be clever in announcing it by saying,

"I need to get something off my chest."

Having an orchiectomy really takes balls.

After I heal up from my gender confirmation surgery, and take off my bandages, I guess you could say I'm unwrapping my box.

Why did the trans man only eat salad?
Because he was a her-before.

What do you call it when a trans person does something?
A transaction.

What do you call a trans person that doesn't want to do something right now?
A translater.

When I was in Vancouver, I saw a road called the Trans Canada Expressway and I said, "What? Was it assigned USA at birth?"

Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.
The Ex-Men.

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?
A trans-hex-ual.

All cars support the queer community.
Afterall, they all have a trans mission.

Video Montage: Ain't it Fun!

Gay Short Story No. 4

A church is passing out donation boxes. To lure more donations, the pastor offers, “Whoever pays the most money for the church can choose three hymns at the end of the service."

When the gay man receives the donation tin, he puts $1000 in the box. When the tin arrives back into the pastor’s hands, he is taken aback! “Whoever made such a tremendous donation, please make yourself known!” he exclaims. “I did,” the gay man says as he stands up. The pastor gives the man a friendly grin and says, “Thank you so much for such a generous contribution! As promised, to show our appreciation, you can choose three hymns."

“I’ll take him, and him, and him!” the gay man says as he points around the cathedral.

Jokes From LGBTQ Stand-Up Comics

“Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.”
-Chris Rock

“My brother disowned me when he found out I was trans, but I try and take the high road. When I heard that he and his wife had a child, I sent them the nicest greeting card. It said ’Congratulations! It’s a boy! For now!’”
-Jaye McBride

“I like to think of the female body the same way that I think of the South in the sense that I’m from there and I’ve visited, but I don’t know if that’s where I want to raise my kids.”
-Jay Jurden

“When women sleep around, they’re considered sluts. When gay men do it, it’s considered networking.”
-Oscar Aydin

“I get more compliments in an LGBTQ club. Guys come up to me and say, ‘Your voice reminds me of Barry White!’ I think to myself, ‘That is hot! Deep voice, sexy.’ Then we get outside, and my friends tell me, ‘The guy said Betty White.’"
-Ike Avelli

“I’m a black queer man, also known as a gospel choir director.”
-Jay Jurden

"I love the argument against gay marriage offered by soccer moms: How am I gonna explain that to my kid? I don’t like explaining things to my kid. I don’t like talking to him. You should stop your whole lifestyle, so that I don’t have to talk to my kid. You should stop being in love with each other, because I can't talk to my kid."
-Louis CK

“President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that, over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don’t believe in gay marriage OR evolution.”
-Jimmy Kimmel

“Same-sex marriage isn’t gay privilege, it’s equal rights. Privilege would be something like gay people not paying taxes. You know, like the way churches don’t.”
-Ricky Gervais

“I’ve never really understood the premise of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. You have these five gay guys, and they show up at the straight guy’s apartment, and they do everything they can to make his life better. But have straight guys really been so wonderful to the gay community over the years that they’re now deserving of this royal treatment from us? At my high school, the reality show would have been called Personal Injury Lawsuit for the Straight Guy.”
-Jay Jurden

Thoughts and Prayers: Randy Rainbow

“The stereotype of gay men being promiscuous is extremely offensive,

and I guarantee the thousands of men I’ve slept with will agree.”
-Justin Zirilli

“Maybe opponents of gay marriage just hear the word sex and they’re like, Look at those same-sex people, all they’re doing is just having sex all the time, that’s all they’re doing. I bet their lives are 90 percent sex and 10 percent parades. That’s it. Sex and floats.”
-Wanda Sykes

“What a fucking embarrassing clown of a person you’d have to be to oppose gay marriage.”
-Rob Delaney

“I consider myself an ally to the straight community. I do tons of straight outreach.”
-Jay Jurden

“Tranny’s a bad word, but I’ve been called way worse. The other day, a guy called me ’sir.’ I said ’Look, buddy. Just because I’m trans doesn’t mean I’m any less of a lady.’ He said, ’Fine. Please stop peeing on my lawn, ma’am.'”
-Jaye McBride

“I walk into straight clubs the same way white guys walk into black barber shops.”
-Jay Jurden

Thoughts and Prayers: Randy Rainbow
Trae Crowder: Liberal Redneck

You Must Be Joking?

If regular-sized gay people come out of the closet...

Do gay little people come out of the cabinet?

A lesbian goes to the gynecologist. While she’s laid back with her feet in the stirrups, being examined, the gynecologist remarks, “You keep things very clean down here.” The lesbian replies, “Thanks! I have a lady who comes in twice a week.”

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s considered a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a rooster and a gay male hooker?

A rooster says "Cock a doodle do." And the hooker says "Any cock will do."

The non-binary thing can be so confusing. I mean, if they don't go by "he" or "she," what do I call them?

A lesbian friend asked me where she could meet women who scream in bed.

I took her to a maternity ward.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Bible Based Marriage
The Real Story of Adam and Steve

Vintage Ads That Are So Gay
Stand by Your Man: Rainbow Parody

Do you know how to play gay poker?
Queens are wild and straights don’t count.

There were two guys at a gym, Dan and Mike, who hit the showers after a rigorous morning workout. Dan said to Mike, "Hey! Have you heard? That there is a gay guy at our gym today." Mike becomes really curious and replies "Oh? Who do you think he is?" Dan looks at Mike from mid-section to eye level and says, "Let me give you a kiss first before I tell you who."

What do you call a gay scientist?
A homogeneous.

"What does gay mean?" asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I married your mother."

"You support gay rights. You must be gay?"

"Okay. I went to the zoo yesterday. So, I must be a koala bear."

My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places....
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately

My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends.
I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

How can you tell if an astronaut is gay?
You can't. There's no orientation in space.

Having gay parents must be terrible.
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"

What's another name for Fruit Loops?
Pride Cheerios.

Dear guy who picks on the one openly gay kid at school:

I dare you to pick on him one more time.

Sincerely, the linebacker with two amazing dads.

LGBTQ Funny Stuff

I'm so gay... I fart glitter.

Lesbian story: A guy cat-called me at the bus station yesterday. I stopped and turned to him and asked, "Do you have a girlfriend?" He said, "No, I do not have a girlfriend." I smiled and said, "I do have a girlfriend. And she's hotter than hell." And I turned and walked away.

Are these gay cows, daddy?
No, they're bison.

Mom: You know, you should have a list of qualities you're looking for in a future husband.

Daughter (Apparently coming out to her mother): Quality number one: Not a man.

Nurse: Are you sexually active?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: Do you use birth control?

Me: No.

Nurse: Are you comfortable with that decision?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: Are you sure? Have you considered using any methods of birth control?

Me: Well, I don't have sex with men. I think that's a pretty good method.

Thoughts and Prayers: Randy Rainbow
Queer Jokes From LGBTQ Stand-Up Comics

Speaker of the House: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
Onion Movie Critic: Hunger Games, Catching Fire

What do you call a homosexual police dog?
A gaynine.

How do you define a lazy gay person?

Someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise...
So I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."

Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?
The Trump card.

"Being a male nurse makes you gay."

"No, having a boyfriend makes me gay. Being a nurse makes me awesome."

A girl in my class at school said she didn't want to sit next to me because she didn't want to catch the "lesbian disease."

...So I coughed on her.

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop to plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage, I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

I'm a single mother. When I came out to my daughter, she said, "Same. Just don't marry my math teacher. She's my girlfriend's mother."

Speaker of the House: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
Queer Jokes From LGBTQ Stand-Up Comics

My gay friend's had an 80's themes costume party.
I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party.

But by the end, everybody got it.

What's the proper name for a gay couch?
A homosectional.

Why are gay people bad liars?
They can't keep a straight face

Another name for a lesbian club?

A her-she bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese homosexual that got addicted to video games?
His name is Gay Ming.

What do you call a gay ogre?
A homoshrexual.

What do you call a gay guy who just finished paying off his mortgage?
A homowner.

How do lesbians handle their liquor?
By the ears.

What do you call a gay PRIDE cookout?
An LGBBQ.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

Bible Based Marriage

Vintage Ads That Are So Gay
Stand by Your Man: Rainbow Parody

Queer Humor

It's all fun and gay until someone loses their rights.

Common lesbian problem: When your doctor doesn’t understand how you can be so sure that you are not pregnant.

My girlfriend and I are sitting together on a park bench and someone comes up and asks, “So, which one of you is the girl in the relationship and which one of you is the boy?” So, my girlfriend says, “We are both the girl in the relationship. That’s kinda the point.”

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is found in only one. Which one seems unnatural now?

I like my whisky like I like my men...
--Twice my age and from Scotland
--Smoky, full-bodied, and leaves you gasping a little
--Left in an oak barrel for at least 3 years, with very little oxygen

Gay marriage explained: You are in a restaurant and say to the waiter, “I’ll have the cake.” And then a guy at the next table says, “Uh, waiter, cancel that cake. I don’t want anyone to have cake. God hates cake. My kids are here. If they see you eating cake, then they’re gonna want to have cake too. You can go home and eat cake in private.”

Message from Jesus: “Pray the gay away? Are you kidding me? My in-box is overflowing with starving babies and cancer. I don’t have time to fix your kid who isn’t even broken."

Speaker of the House: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
Onion Movie Critic: Hunger Games, Catching Fire

Of course us gays dress well.

We didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

Stop calling Justin Bieber gay because his music sucks. Freddie Mercury was gay and he made some of the best music in history.

How many homophobes does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They fear change. Even if it means making the world a brighter place.

My mom and I were watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show on television and she says, “Oh look, my favorite lesbian.” And I said, “But, I thought I was your favorite lesbian.” And that’s how I came out to my mom.

It takes 237 muscles to fake an orgasm. But it only takes 15 to say, “It’s called a clitoris and it’s right here.”

One day I hope to live in a country where saying that you’re against gay marriage is as morally repugnant as saying you’re against interracial marriage.

A lesbian couple are building a house...
They're not going to use any studs. It's all tongue and groove.

I’m a coach. One of my 15-year-old players came out to me. He said he was all alone. The only gay athlete ever. I said, “Nope. Me too.” The look on his face was worth a million bucks.

When I came out as gay, my mom threatened to kick me out of the house. But my dad was 100% supportive. My dad kicked my mom out of the house. And now I live with my dad.

A Real Cowboy?

An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".

She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".

The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

Video: Gay Bar, First and 101st Time

Thoughts and Prayers: Randy Rainbow

Video Montage: Ain't it Fun!

More Funny Quotes

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
-Woody Allen

"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: Hello. Can't work today. Still queer."
-Robin Tyler

“I hate the word homophobia. It’s not a phobia. You’re not scared. You’re just an asshole.”

-Morgan Freeman

"If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered."
-Robin Tyler

"Did you hear about the Scottish drag queen? He wore pants."
-Lynn Lavne

SNL Coffee Talk with Linda Richman

Speaker of the House: Randy Rainbow Song Parody
LGBTQ Comedians Who Will Make You Laugh