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HUMOR
 

Queer Comics You Should Know

Video Montage: Fetch Me Something Gay

LGBTQ Comedians Who Will Make You Laugh

Video: Weird Things Gay Couples Do

Books: Best LGBTQ Humor

 

Funny LGBTQ Quotes

 

“I hate the word homophobia. It’s not a phobia. You’re not scared. You’re just an asshole.”

-Morgan Freeman

 

“Gays are not interested in making other people gay. But homophobes are interested in making other people homophobic.”

-Stephen Fry

 

“If being gay were really a choice, every woman in the world would be a lesbian within ten minutes of ever meeting a man.”

-Rudy Martinez

 

“If gays become accepted, then more people will decide to become gay. Yes, because after blacks gained rights, all the white people went out and decided to become black.”

-John Stewart

 

"I like my men like I like my coffee.  I don't drink coffee."

-Ellen DeGeneres

 

“In a recent interview, One Direction singer Harry Styles said that he is pretty sure he is not bisexual. Which at least saves them the hassle of changing the band’s name to Both Directions.”

-Conan O’Brian

 

"I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay in public."
-Dennis Rodman

 

 

Video: Gay Bar, First and 101st Time

The Marriage License

Video Montage: Oh Shoot, Now I’m Gay

Let’s Queer Things Up

Video: Coming Out, First and 101st Time

I Can't Even Think Straight

 

LGBTQ Humor

 

Being gay is like being left-handed. Some people are. Most people aren’t. And nobody really knows why. It’s not right or wrong. It’s just the way things are.

 

Do you seriously believe God would judge someone for loving a person of the same sex but would not judge you for hating someone you have never even met?

 

One time my girlfriend was mentioning to me that her period was late. And for a horrible second I thought I had gotten her pregnant. But then I remembered. Oh yeah, we’re lesbians.

 

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a doughnut because you’re on a diet.

 

So I was on the bus with this granny beside me when we spotted two girls kissing by the bus stop. The granny turned to me and said, “These girls are so pretty. At their age I was sort of ugly. Well, maybe that’s why I had to marry a man."

 

I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, bi, trans, black, white, purple, or green. Respect me. And I’ll respect you. But, if you’re purple or green, you should probably see a doctor.

 

 

I really feel bad for the kids with lesbian parents. They get stuck in the never-ending loop of “Go ask your mother.”

 

If you don’t want homosexuals to adopt children, tell heterosexuals to stop having children they don’t want.

 

I came out to my dad today. My dad looked at me stone cold and said, “Same rules as your sisters, no boys allowed in your room.”

 

So, this guy says to me, "You support gay rights. You must be gay." And I replied, "I support animal rights. Do I look like a beagle to you?"

 

Abigail Van Buren, the writer of the famous Dear Abby newspaper advice column, received a letter from a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street. He wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood. Abby responded, "You could move."

 

Video: The Straightest Dude Ever

Funny Queer Stuff

Video: Weird Questions Gay Couples Get

Queer Theory of Humor

Video: When Coming Out Goes Better Than You Thought

The Defenders of Traditional Marriage

 

 

LGBTQ Comedians
 

Ellen DeGeneres
Wanda Sykes

Ross Matthews
Tig Notaro

Mario Cantone

Simon Amstell

Suzanne Westenhofer
Margaret Cho

Paula Pell

Eddie Izzard

Gabe Liedman

Sampson McCormick

Sandra Bernhard
Kate Clinton

Eliot Glazer

Erin Foley

James Adomian

Fortune Feimster

 

Video: Gay Bar, First and 101st Time

The Marriage License

Video Montage: Oh Shoot, Now I’m Gay

Let’s Queer Things Up

Video: Coming Out, First and 101st Time

I Can't Even Think Straight

 

 

LGBTQ Jokes

 

I made eye contact with a gay couple at Wal-Mart. They asked, “Do you have a problem with two gay men together?” I replied, "I do when they’re blocking the candy aisle."

 

When I’m at the grocery store and they ask me if I want paper or plastic, I say, “Either is fine. I’m bi-sacksual.”

 

Message from lesbians: We love men. We just don't like them naked.

 

I get really offended when people tell me I’m going to hell for being gay, because I feel like they’re overlooking all of the other valid reasons that I’m going to hell.

 

The fact that humanity has to clarify that any lives matter, should be concern enough.

 

My Aunt: How’s your gay phase going? 

Me: Better than your marriage.

 

I don’t understand why people think that having a gay child means that you failed as a parent. Not true. Disowning your gay child means you failed as a parent.

 

I think God is happier when a gay couple gets married than when a straight couple gets divorced.

 

Ellen Degeneres gives money to charity… Ellen DeGenerous

Ellen takes command of an army… Ellen DeGeneral

Ellen starts producing electricity… Ellen DeGenerator

Ellen alters the structure of DNA… Ellen DeGenetecist

 

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

I’m not gay. But my boyfriend is.

 

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.

 

One woman says to another woman, “So, how do you like lesbian sex?” The other women replies, “It’s too complicated to tell you about.  I’d have to show you.”

 

I’m like a windshield wiper. I go both ways.

 

99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.

 

Someone just asked, “Who wears the pants in your relationship?”  and my girlfriend replied, “Well, I prefer neither of us.”

 

Queer Comics You Should Know

Video Montage: Fetch Me Something Gay

LGBTQ Comedians Who Will Make You Laugh

Video: Weird Things Gay Couples Do

Books: Best LGBTQ Humor

 

 

Gay Agenda

 

6:00   AM    Gym.
8:00   AM    Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites).
9:00   AM    Hair appointment.
10:00 AM    Shopping (Nordstroms, Saks).
12:00 PM    Brunch.
2:00   PM    Assume complete control of the US Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments. Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle. Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages. Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels. Establish planetary chain of "homo breeding gulags" where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership. Bulldoze all houses of worship. Secure total control of the internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:15   PM    Be fabulous.
2:30   PM    Mud mask and beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest.
4:00   PM    Cocktails.
6:00   PM    Light Dinner (soup, salad with romaine, radicchio, arugula, and balsamic vinaigrette dressing, with Chardonnay).
8:00   PM    Theater.
10:30 PM    Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.
11:00 PM    Bed.

 

 

 

Queer Humor

 

Common lesbian problem: When your doctor doesn’t understand how you can be so sure that you are not pregnant.

 

My girlfriend and I are sitting together on a park bench and someone comes up and asks, “So, which one of you is the girl in the relationship and which one of you is the boy?” So, my girlfriend says, “We are both the girl in the relationship. That’s kinda the point.”

 

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is found in only one. Which one seems unnatural now?

 

Gay marriage explained: You are in a restaurant and say to the waiter, “I’ll have the cake.”  And then a guy at the next table says, “Uh, waiter, cancel that cake. I don’t want anyone to have cake.  God hates cake.  My kids are here.  If they see you eating cake, then they’re gonna want to have cake too.  You can go home and eat cake in private.”

 

Message from Jesus: “Pray the gay away? Are you kidding me? My in-box is overflowing with starving babies and cancer. I don’t have time to fix your kid who isn’t even broken.”

 

 

Stop calling Justin Bieber gay because his music sucks. Freddie Mercury was gay and he made some of the best music in history.

 

How many homophobes does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They fear change. Even if it means making the world a brighter place.

 

Of course us gays dress well. We didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

 

My mom and I were watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show on television and she says, “Oh look, my favorite lesbian.” And I said, “But, I thought I was your favorite lesbian.”  And that’s how I came out to my mom.

 

It takes 237 muscles to fake an orgasm. But it only takes 15 to say, “It’s called a clitoris and it’s right here.”

 

One day I hope to live in a country where saying that you’re against gay marriage is as morally repugnant as saying you’re against interracial marriage.

 

I’m a coach. One of my 15-year-old players came out to me. He said he was all alone. The only gay athlete ever. I said, “Nope. Me too.” The look on his face was worth a million bucks.

 

When I came out as gay, my mom threatened to kick me out of the house. But my dad was 100% supportive. My dad kicked my mom out of the house. And now I live with my dad.

 

 

More Funny Quotes


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
-Woody Allen

"My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it."
-Amanda Bearse

"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: Hello. Can't work today. Still queer."
-Robin Tyler

"If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered."
-Robin Tyler

"Did you hear about the Scottish drag queen? He wore pants."
-Lynn Lavne

"I think gay people are like blondes: There’re fewer of them but they have more fun."
-Rita Mae Brown / Writer

"Homosexuality is God’s way of insuring that the truly gifted aren’t burdened with children."
-Sam Austin / Composer and Lyricist

"Outsiders develop humor as a defense. Why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish?"
-Paul Lynde

"There are easier things in life than being a drag queen. But I ain’t got no choice. Try as I may, I just can’t walk in flats."
-Harvey Fierstein / Filmmaker

"Homophobia is the irrational fear the three queers will break into your house and redecorate it against your will."
-Tom Ammiano / Comic

"Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list."
-Yakov Smirnoff / Comic
 

 

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